As the great water siege progresses, we are running a bit low on physicists at the moment. Next in line for active defense duty are the chemists. Report to sector 2 with as many weapons as you can find or improvise and prepare to play your part. If you do not arrive within a month, we will issue a 6000$ bounty on you, but I’m sure that won’t be necessary, we all want to do our part, so why would we run? Good luck out there! Oh, and by the way, hybrid-related deaths are not covered by your insurance, so try not to die.
If you had any plans to refill your water tower today, you may want to reconsider. It seems that one of the escaped hybrids has taken up residence in the central water purifier and distribution facility. The physicists are doing what they can, but the siege is progressing slowly. In the mean time, all water is now considered public property, if someone else has it, you can take it.
Well, it looks like SOME OF YOU didn’t follow the etiquette tips we posted, did you? At least 30 dozen people were trampled during the post-show, the gladiators reported 9134 mandatory beheadings, and the audience participation was dreadful, did you guys even TRY? Your inconsiderateness has negatively impacted the health of our dear, dear, hybrids! If they don’t get enough exercise before a meal, they get indigestion.
The coliseum opens today, and I’m sure we’re all very excited, so here are some etiquette tips and general bits of advice:
1. Be very polite to the gladiators! They’re responsible for your night’s entertainment and have standing orders to promptly behead anyone impolite to them.
2. If you (a member of the audience) are chosen to come up on stage and participate, be sure to make note of the exits ahead of time. You’ll need the speed advantage if you want to escape the hybrids with more than one limb remaining.
3. During the post-show, be sure to make your escape in an orderly fashion, you wouldn’t want to accidentally trample someone, would you?
As we mentioned previously, multiple vacancies in the dinosaur wing have suddenly opened up due an accident involving several dozen hybrids escaping. Anyone whose original place of assignment is no longer inhabitable should report there immediately. Everyone else should be on the lookout for, glowing clouds, shimmering walls, hissing from the ceiling, and sudden lightning bolts and/or explosions. If you do see a hybrid, contact a physicist immediately as they have been specially equipped with crossbows for facing these sorts of threat.
Today is a monumental occasion! The new heavy cannon is ready to test, and the sector with the worst performance record is going to be the target (looking at you, sector 54). If you are planning to watch the explosion, we recommend using the observation platforms in sectors 33, 63, and 12. If you are an unlucky resident of sector 54, then you will not be permitted to leave starting today. If you managed to get out of sector 54 ahead of time, you can request to be reassigned to the dinosaur wing, which recently had several spots opened.
The far northern sectors are offline. Typically, a sector going offline wouldn’t be a huge deal and we’d just have it fixed, but seeing as this was the sector where the spider army lived, there is considerable cause for concern. We have had no reports from the either doctor in charge of the spider project (Dr’s Rood Aka, and Sid Orak) and we have reason to suspect they are slowly conquering the northernmost sectors to build an army before heading southwards. Therefore, all law enforcement and military units are being withdrawn from sectors 90 and southward, personnel in these categories should proceed to sector 91 for re-assignment.
The mysterious jungle of flesh-eating trees has expanded to fill sectors 40, 41, and 29. If you work and/or live in sectors 41 and above, you will have to use the trans-dimensional monorail. If you do have to use the monorail, remember only to speak portugese, as the spider-octopus is highly racist and will kill anyone it suspects of not being portugese, and do not, DO NOT EVER, imagine anywhere other than where you want to go, because the odds of you being split into pieces (still alive) and teleported among various other dimensions is higher than usual.
Today’s entry starts with a quick notification, interns in sectors 5, 8, 23, and 34, are required to report to the the goatmen in sector 45 for the annual straw drawing. In other news, a strange smoke entity seems to have taken up residence in the final functioning dishwasher, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances attempt to turn it on. The smoke entity will not take kindly to this, and seems to usually set fire to those who commit this offense. Anyone who wishes to wash dishes will now have to do so by hand in the sink.
Dr [REDACTED] has finally been sucked into one of his own portals (good riddance). Most of sector 5 has been replaced with strange alien hive structures, and their inhabitants have made new homes inside several interns’ stomach cavities. Hopefully our alien friends are comfortable in their new homes. We look forward to happy subjugation cooperation in future. Remember to attend the “How to cope with stomach aliens” classes over this weekend, since these friendly creatures are here to stay!